


i'll tell you my sins (and you can sharpen your knife)

by weaslays



Category: Glee
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, and by someone i mean brittany, brittana, santana coming out to a priest kflnefln she's so precious, somebody needs 2 hug her and shield her from the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 15:16:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5875783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weaslays/pseuds/weaslays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Santana hasn't gone to confession in a long time. She thinks maybe it's about time to."</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll tell you my sins (and you can sharpen your knife)

_The Lopez family is religious._ Fact.

 _They go to church every Sunday._ Fact.

 _Alma Lopez and Maribel Lopez go to confession every Sunday after Mass._ Fact.

 _Santana Lopez does this, as well._ Lie.

Santana hasn't gone to confession in about a year, ever since her Abuela had stopped bothering her about it. It isn't that she doesn't think she had anything to confess - she has a _lot_ , and she knows it - but that she could never find the courage to. But now, listening to Quinn ramble on and on about how _uplifting_ it feels to confess, how oh-so- _cleansing_ it is, she thinks maybe it's time to. She glances over at Brittany, who's devouring a cupcake while doodling Lord Tubbington in her notebook and nodding distractedly at Quinn every now and then, and she thinks that _yeah_ , she definitely needs to go.

She goes the Saturday of that week.

(Partly because she needs to talk to someone before she explodes, but mostly because she doesn't want her Abuela and mother there with her - she knows that if they were, her Abuela would give her an approving look and say "You finally followed my advice, eh, Santanita?", and she doesn't want anyone to think she's doing this for her grandmother. She's doing this for herself.)

Santana enters the confessional a few seconds after a middle-aged woman steps out of it. She kneels down, the Notes app with all of her sins and everything she needs to say to the priest open on her phone, and as she stares at the screen blocking her from the priest's sight in front of her, the weight of what she's doing sort-of suddenly crashes down on her. Everything she's been hiding - everything that's been plaguing her for the past few months - is going to be told to this priest. _Everything._

She stares at one of the numbers on her list of sins and prays to God and all things holy that this priest she's kneeling in front of isn't homophobic.

She takes a huge, shaky breath. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," she starts slowly, as if she's testing out each word, making sure it's right before she says it. "My last confession was - uh, last year. My sins are..." Here it goes.

She looks down at her list of sins, but the screen of her phone's gone blank, and she realizes that she had forgotten to charge her phone before leaving. Instead of turning her phone back on and wasting time and the last percentage of battery she has, she squeezes her eyes shut and takes another deep breath. "I lie," she says. "I lie to my family, and my friends, and to myself."

The priest doesn't say anything. He isn't supposed to. She continues.

"I say bad words. I drink. I smoke. I bully others, and I'm insensitive to their feelings. I care more for myself than I care for my friends sometimes, and sometimes this gets us all in danger. I stole my, uh, friend Rachel's lunch money so I could buy food for another friend. I broke into my other, um, friend Finn's locker and placed a dead frog in it." 

"I didn't even do that because I'm mad at him or anything! At least, I don't think I am. I just- I like doing things like that. And he pisses me off sometimes." She winces, then adds as an afterthought, "I guess I'm pretty judgmental too. And mean."

She's almost done. Just one more left. "And I - I - I," She can't do it. She can't. It's too hard. She can't say it out loud. _Not here, not now._ Maybe never. She squeezes her eyes shut harder. She's a coward. A weak, weak, weak coward. She tries to speak again, but she can't. It's too hard. She can't do it. "I..."

_She can't do it._

"That's it," she says softly, and a tear slips down her cheek. "I'm sorry for all of these sins, Father, and for all sins I have forgotten."

She hasn't forgotten one. But she's ignored it.

"Well," the priest speaks up, his deep, gravelly voice filling the confessional and resonating all around them, "Thank you for confessing all of that to me. Now, about the curse words, first. I can't force you to do anything, obviously, and I cannot change you - but here's a word of advice. You care about your appearance, don't you?"

"Y - yeah." Santana's voice is barely above a whisper. "Yeah, I do."

"Well, cursing reflects poorly on your image, both in this world and the eternal one above. There are better, more pure words that God wants us to preach to our friends than those ones that only the Devil makes you speak, and choosing to speak the words Satan has carved makes you seem uncultured, unrefined, immature but trying not to be. Have you ever tried a swear jar?" he chuckles, and she joins in.

 _Coward_ , her mind tells her. _Coward coward coward you're a coward you're worthless you're weak coward coward coward coward._

"As for your issues with your family, your friends, and yourself - it's not bad to care about yourself, it truly isn't. It's important, in fact. But sometimes we have to take into account what others feel as well," the priest says gently. "This world we live in is a harsh one, and we won't make it anywhere without people to hold us up. The world is cold, and what better than friends and family to keep you warm? We need to hold each other up, my child. How is anyone going to survive selfishly?"

 _I don't know_ , Santana thinks. _I don't know. I don't know. I shouldn't have skipped that last sin. Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it. Now or never. I have to do it. God help me._

"Now, for your penance -" the priest starts, but the words tumble out of Santana's mouth before she can stop them. "Wait!"

She can almost see the priest's eyebrow lifting. "Yes?"

A few more tears slip out of Santana's closed eyes. "I - I have one more sin to confess."

She takes the priest's silence as a cue to go on. She heaves a huge breath. Cold starts to seep in her feet, but a trickle of sweat makes its way down her forehead. Her mind teases her relentlessly - _coward_ , a voice in her head taunts her. _How are you ever gonna face the real world when you can't even face yourself?_

"I'm a lesbian."

 _There._ She's said it. The final sin - a weight feels like it's been lifted from her shoulder.

The priest remains silent, as if telling her to go on.

"It's not a - a phase or anything. I'm sure it's not. I've known for ages, but I _hated_ it, I hated myself for it, so I pushed it away and slept with as many guys as I could to prove to the word and myself that I was straight. And I'm -" she gulps, "I'm in love with my best friend." Tears start streaming freely down her cheeks. "And - and I can't tell her, at least not outrightly, because she has a boyfriend, and she says she loves him, and I'm so, so, _so_ scared that she might leave me or-or pick him over me and stop talking to me if she finds out."

"But I want to be with her. I love her more - more than _anyone_ else I've ever loved in my _entire_ life. She makes my entire life better, she's like this rock I can hold on to when I feel myself starting to slip, and I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I hurt her or if I told her I love her and she doesn't say it back. I want to take care of her the way she takes care of me, to pour all the love and adoration I feel for her into everything I do. Not just as a best friend, but as something - as something _more_. How Abuela describes Heaven - I feel like I'm in it whenever I'm with Brittany. When I'm with her, I finally know what people talk about when they talk about being in love - the butterflies, the blushing, the contentment, _everything._  She's like - she's the sun in human form, her eyes stars, and even the moon can't top how beautiful she is. Except that the moon is only pretty during nighttime, and she's beautiful any time of the day. The colors fade from the world when she's not with me, but when she is, the world bursts into them." Santana laughs, but her laugh has no humor in it, instead laced with sadness and bitterness. The tears make it hard to laugh at all. "I just - I love her _so much_. But I'm too scared to tell anyone, even to acknowledge it. I'm scared of the talks, and the looks, and I - I'm just so scared of it all, you know?"

Then she breaks down.

Sobs wrack her body as her feelings, the hurt, the world's cruelty, the _unfairness_ of it all bears down on her. Flashes of the past pass through her mind - the first time she kissed Brittany, the first time she held Brittany's hand, the day Brittany was home sick and it had seemed like the whole world had turned grey, the first time the thought that she might be gay had crossed her mind when she was 14. She cries for Brittany, for herself, for what she feels, and for everything she wants to say but can't for the fear of what the world will throw back at her.

It's only when her sobbing has leveled back down to soft crying and hiccuping that the priest speaks again.

"Do you know what language God speaks in, my child?"

Santana hiccups, surprised. "N - no. Hebrew, I guess? Or, like, whatever language the person He's talking to is using. I don't know." Her tears have lessened slightly now, and she wipes her nose on the neck of her shirt.

"No," he answers her gently, and she can imagine a kind smile on his face. "The language God speaks in is _love_. From how you described the way you feel for this girl, I think God would understand you very well. God loves all creatures because He's created us all in His image - do you think that he'd love you any less than any of your friends who love the opposite gender?"

Santana starts crying again, because she's thought about this before, and she's _loathed_ herself for the fact that God might not love her anymore for her sins against Him, for loving Brittany.

"Your love for Brittany is beautiful, and I don't doubt that God will love you with every bit of Him just as He does everyone else because of it. As long as you stay faithful to the Lord and not let what you feel for Brittany or girls in general come in the way of your spiritual relationship with Him or spreading His word, then I think you deserve every ounce of happiness you get in this life. If you find that happiness with girls, then so be it. Now, pray for your loved ones and for this world, and I will pray with you that the Lord grants you courage to face telling Brittany and the rest of the world what you feel for her, as well as face the rest of your life's trials and guide you on your path in life. Your penance is one Our Father, three Hail Marys, and one Glory Be, then the Act of Contrition afterwards. Go in peace, and spread the word of the Lord as you do."

Santana wipes her tears away with her shirt sleeve, thanks the priest profusely, and leaves the confessional to do her penance, feeling considerably lighter than she was when she first entered.

-

Later that night, when Santana's lying down on her bed, she receives a text from Brittany.

_How was your day? Q told me you went to went to confession :)_

_My day was good, Britt,_ she quickly replies. _Missed u, tho. And yeah, I did. How was your day?_

_Good. I went to Lima Bean to eat and study, but Rachel was there so I just got my food and left right away. Was confession good?_

She smiles. _Yeah, Britt-Britt, it was._ A reply comes not more than a few seconds later.

_That's nice :) Goodnight, San. I love you x_

This time, she doesn't hesitate before replying.

_Goodnight, Britt-Britt. I love you, too._

 

**Author's Note:**

> **this whole Santana-goes-to-confession idea has been in my mind for a while, so i'm really, really glad that my lazy ass finally got around to writing it down and posting it!! i fumbled around with the priest's advice a bit, but i think i managed to pull it together okay enough??**
> 
> come yell about girls n gay ships with me on twitter (@heybechloe) or tumblr (@lopierce) !!


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